Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My friends, they love my intelligence
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
