Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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