I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
