why didn't you poke me back
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
