I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
