A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
