apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize