The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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