Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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