the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
