drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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