I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Is it because I queefed?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
