Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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