mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
