sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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