I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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