when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
