Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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