Just fell off a train. Bad.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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