girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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