I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
