You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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