Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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