i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Four minutes until I can fart!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
