Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
