Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
zippers are such a cool invention
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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