He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
