ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Someone shattered a urinal.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
