Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize