life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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