The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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