My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
