and she was petting her beer can
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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