i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
