Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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