We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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