apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize