i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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