I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
