I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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