idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
