I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
