Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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