I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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