I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
