If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
