I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
