I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
