i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
