Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
