I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
