we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
