Just fell off a train. Bad.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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