my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
