My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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