she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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