you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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