If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
